The weather is changing. I’ve stood and looked out the window at the mountains numerous times since Luke’s passing, but there was something particular about this morning that brought it all back. Something about the way the clouds touch the mountains in the Fall, it’s something you don’t see in summer months. Something about the way the air smells, even from behind the window.
Standing there this morning, it felt like no time had passed. If I’d closed my eyes I could imagine it being last October. The smell of a memory, undefinable on its own, it doesn’t smell like a thing, but a state of mind. Panic, underlying despair, stress so high I was like a live wire. I also felt the beach, a place I haven’t been to since our anniversary, and one I’m not certain I’ll be able to revisit again. Is it not processing if I avoid the pain? I’m going through my life, I’m truly living, I’m not unable to move forward. . . I just can’t do certain things, like listen to sad songs, or hear sad-romantic stories, or go to the beach. I can’t tell if that’s “good” for still being in the first year. I feel like it has to be.
